Combat Rockers:A love story.

Chapter one:
apples falling from trees:

Seargent Gary Friday finished his first cup of coffee as he waited to board the plane to Cusco. From Lima it would be a rapid flight, a little over an hour. From there it was a puddle jumper to Puerto Maldonado. How they were going to get from there to a cabin in the middle of the jungle was anyone’s guess.
He had done this trip dozens of times before. He had his international certificate of vaccination ready next to his passport just in case. Usually he carried his Samsonite Delegate trusty briefcase but opted instead for a handicraft wool shoulder bag that he had bought at one of the souvenir shops near Macchu Pichu on his last visit. His job entailed that he either had to dress up or dress down, depending on the locale of his work. In this situation he wore blue jeans and black new balance running shoes, and a plain off white all cotton button down shirt that he got in Kathmandu. He noticed that dressing down took about the same amount of time as dressing up. Either way he felt like an actor preparing for a role. But this time would be different because of the costar: Juan Santiago the medicine man.
That was who Gary was expecting to meet up with. The man was an enigma. He had succeeded in eluding himself from any authorities of the western world who emitted any sort of vibe that had to do with greed. That is why Gary was the chosen one. Because he possessed virtues that nobody else on the team had. Well, at least not in the amounts that he did. Namely, integrity.
Gary believed that without integrity life couldn't work. He had experimented on himself in his own life. Breaking his own moral codes periodically just to see what would happen, as if he could measure hypothesis after hypothesis through witnessing what worked and what didn't. This next project was not settling easily in his brain. Hadn’t he already earned his stripes in his 25 years of active duty? What exactly did they want him to find out about this old medicine man? That's what confused him more then anything.
Try as he may he had a hard time coming to terms with the ambiguity of the duty set before him. He would be recording every nuance, all conversations, and going over it with a fine tooth comb. He made a vow to himself that after retirement, he would go back on to this land without any electrical devices on his person. But for now, he had a job to do. Finishing the thick tar like coffee that he had bought on the side of the road 30 minutes earlier, he tossed the cup into the small trash can and boarded the plane. He knew that drinking the coffee hadn’t been the wisest idea. It probably would have been more advantageous for him to skip the caffeine and sleep on the short flight. But the caffeine had become part of his ritual. Not an addiction as much as a comfort. He leaned back into his chair and thought about his children. They weren't children any more. His youngest was in his 20s, already a force in the rock and roll world to be reckoned with. It was surreal the heights to which he had achieved so at so young an age. He was proud of his son but they maintained an ambivalent relationship. There was respect, but too much pride on both sides to really bond. and where was the time? "Maybe after I retire," he thought to himself, "I'll see them more often."

The flight was over before it began, and Juan Santiago met Gary Friday right as he was coming off of the plane. The medicine man nodded at him unceremoniously and motioned for Gary to follow him. Usually in the past, his hosts had been much warmer to him. What was happening here? Now Gary began to wonder how they were going to be getting to the cabin, which was supposedly about 25 miles away. “Do I have to change out my money so I can pay for a cab?” The medicine man grunted softly and shook his head. Gary figured maybe they were going to take motorcycles. He had done that before, several years back, when he was much younger. He was shocked at the callousness and disregard of his almost senior citizen status. Of course at the time, he scarcely considered the fact that Juan was just about the same age as he was, give or take a year or two.
To the north of the airport was a dirt road that stretched out towards the mountains. The sun was at an apex and was beginning to beat down on them. “So we gonna jump on some motorcycles or what?’ asked Gary. “We walk,” grumbled Juan incredulously. “Time to cleanse out the toxic poisons you have been building up. Only one way to do that: sweat.” Seargent Friday stopped dead in his tracks. “Wait just a minute now, sir. Hiking a marathon through Peruvian wild lands is not in my job description.” Juan Santiago held a finger to his lips. ‘Silencio- silence.” “I know what the hell silencio means. I’m fluent in spanish, along with six other languages in case they haven’t told you.”
Sargent Friday was glad he had brought plenty of water and packed lightly. But he still felt indignified over this long walk. “The hell do they think I am?” He thought to himself. His thoughts were bursting with anger, like screams of injustice taking over his whole body. “after nearly 3 decades of service this is what they give me? I thought I was in for some kind of transformational journey. Instead they give me some gap toothed lunatic. The head case in charge of the asylum.”
The medicine man interrupted his thoughts. “You’re murdering me with your thinking, aren’t you? Start to breath your hatred out like this.” He began breathing slowly and very loudly, inhaling through his nose and exhaling through his mouth. Then he covered one nostril with his index finger and proceeded with the exercise, eventually switching nostrils. He noticed that Sargent Friday was not following the rules. “So I suppose you already have everything figured out. You don’t need to learn from me, or anyone else for that matter. No wonder you look so confused.” 
With that, Gary put his finger over his mouth and said, ‘Shhhh, silencio.” Then, “see, I listen better then you thought, DON’T I?
The medicine man didn't speak for a while. Neither did Gary Friday. In different circumstances, he would have been entranced by the beauty of this region. But this project was not off to a productive start. Besides feeling oppressed by his host, he felt bitter about the progressive americanization of a country he had once loved escaping to. It was more convenient now. There were trains up to tourist sights that used to be attainable by hard core trekking or uneasy bus trips. He even noticed that his old favorite Cafe in Cusco, ayullo de cusco, had been replaced by Starbucks. He had decided to buy that tar like coffee on the side of the road instead of going to Starbucks. Was it selfish of him to want a place to escape to? He wondered what the medicine man thought about it. ‘Maybe he’s taking the anger of my whole race out on me,’ he thought to himself.
Several minutes went by and there was a continual hush.The medicine man kept walking in silence. He let Gary think. The only thing that could be heard were footsteps and labored breathing. Then a few minutes later he spoke again.
'Thing is, your people have finally come as far as they could reach with their machines. Yet it solved nothing. How is it to live among a culture of digitized robots? So now, more people then ever are coming for the resources that lie in two places.' He put his right hand over his heart, and then covered his head with his left. 'You can have all the money in the world, but if you haven't learned the ways of the heart, the ways of the mind, you are more poor then the poorest beggar in lima.'
Gary nodded his head in agreement. 'I hear what you are saying. I apologize for the ignorance of my people. But I can only apologize so much.'
Juan continued. 'I learned the ways of the world. Your people put me through their schools. Some considered me a techno shaman. Because I am adept at both worlds. The ancient and the modern. Both have not eluded me. There are things I may choose to show you that will make you stronger. But I do not trust you yet. I had a friend from the west who taught me the phrase, 'respect is earned.' He did not earn it from me. Nor have you. I will teach you some things. But I will pull away if I feel trust wanting.'
Gary felt a knot of disapointment churning in his stomach. 'Did we not have the agreement to complete initiation? The d ritual? Did you forget your promise?'
Juan stomped a foot into the ground. 'I said in good faith. This is what I told your masters. You do not want this experience without working for it first. It is up to you whether you will count the cost, and finish what you've started.'
Gary was livid internally but was not about to argue with Juan. He would save his anger for a telephone call to his superiors. He was beginning to hate this so called medicine man. What had he done to earn his derision? He had already renounced his old ways of materialism. Now he was risking his life to go out into the jungle with whom he was now past beginning to consider a half wit. He was not about to apologize for being reared in a callous culture- he had worked too hard to overcome the mistakes of his own people.
'Don't be a hypocrite. If you want me to respect where you came from you should respect what I've gone through to understand you, and to make reparations-'
'No more talking.'
'Excuse me?'
With that, Juan pointed the opposite direction from where they were walking, to where the sun was beginning to set. 'GO BaCK NOW,' he firmly said.
'Go What?' He stammered, slightly shocked.
'Go back to your land. This was a big misdeed on my part. I thought we had a better comprensivo. I thought you were further advanced on the true path.'
Gary crossed his arms. They both stood their ground for a moment, staring into each other's weather beaten faces. The fierce eye contact these men made with each other was strong, neither one giving over to yielding. Without breaking focus, Juan touched his shoulder, and said, 'if you come, no more speaking until morning.'
Gary was even more livid but kept his composure. He had no choice at this point. There was a continually silent hush between Gary and the medicine man. Gary was lost in his angry thoughts. Somebody back home was in trouble for putting his ass on the line like this. Then the medicine man stopped in front of a small patch of Nicandra Physalodes, or 'apple of peru' flowers. He sniffed one of them. Then he looked up at Gary.
'Your people have created a lot of change for us,' he said, as if reading Gary's mind. Gary nodded silently. He had nothing to add. He just wanted to listen to this man, trying desperately as possible to control his temper. 'When I was a young man, your people began to come here seeking wisdom. Some of them found what they were looking for, and some of them didn't.' He paused for a second, and gazed across the mountains. 'There has been damage done. But only a certain amount of damage. Our people will persevere. These mountains, too, will survive. I’m not certain I can say the same of your people. Unless they are truly willing and ready to change.”
Puerto Maldonado had been beautiful but Gary no longer noticed the beauty. He had not been in a 'wild card' situation for over a decade. He had been used to everything in it's right place, with a certain order. His job had never been easy, but he was able to have complete control for the most part. He had never dealt with anyone like Juan before, and there had never been a problem with communication with anybody else on his peruvian journeys. Suddenly promises were being broken. Or had they been? Whose promises? after all, Juan had not directly given him his word about the ritual. Had there been a miscommunication between his superiors, himself, and the third party? Had he been lied to by his superiors? Or had Juan lied to him? There really was no way to know. He felt, for the first time in years, in over his head. He felt too old for this, and all of the sudden wished he hadn't taken the assignment. But at the same time, he felt lost. The last time he felt this lost was as a teenager. The memories of broken youth began to flood his mind.
They got to their destination and Gary Friday was famished and too tired to think straight. The luxury of the place surprised him as he had expected less. He would have been happier with less comfort but also less surprises. Juan showed him to his cot, which was delicately decorated with blankets intricately woven into bright colors.
'Sleep now. Do not say a word. You will eat in the morning.'
Gary did not want to argue, he just wanted to collapse. He fell down on his bed and kicked off his shoes. He soon fell into a dream. In his dreams, he kept being offered gifts that were already his. Gold was given to him that he had already possessed. Things that he had owned had been stolen. Material objects, money, things that he felt owed came back to him. He did not understand the dream.
He was awoken by Rosa, the guest worker. Gary did not know if the worker was somehow related to Juan. His daughter perhaps? She looked to be about twenty one. She placed a plate full of kinoa salad down on his night table, along with a fork and napkin. He sat up and thanked her. 'Muchas Gracias, senora.'
'Te nada. This is salad with qinoa,' she said,'qinoa is a grain that makes you very strong. Our pollos grow muy gordo off this.' She smiled. 'also onions, peppers, y radishes.'
Gary was no stranger to this type of food. He had radically altered his diet years ago and was used to this sort of fare. This was one other reason why he was chosen for the job. Most of the other guys on the team were meat and potatoes consumers. They did not care for what they described as bird food. He dug in voraciously, eating like a ravenous boar. 'Senora, no agua?' He said to Rosa, making the signal for drinking.
She shook her head no.
'que? no comprende.'
Juan who had gone unnoticed, was carving wood in the next room. His voice boomed.
'There will be no drinking for you until two hours has gone by after you are finished.' He paused. 'It is for reasons of digestion. Don't ask now - you will understand later.'
'What the h-?' he stopped himself. Now this was getting to be too much. Water deprivation? 'So you're feeding me like a fat chicken but no water?'
'The water will upset your digestion, ' juan blurted it out. This will affect your brain, your training, as everything is connected. But since you think you know it all, and cannot bring yourself to dismiss your pride, you may have a glass of water. Rosa, por favor-'
'No Rosa. Forget it.' He was not about to be manipulated into guilt for being thirsty of all things. He excused himself to use the bano. Only he didn't have to use the restroom. He locked the door, and sitting down on the toilet, pulled out his cellphone. He dialed. Then he screamed.
'Debon, what the HELL are you doing sending me out to this kangaroo court in the jungle?' He tried his best to lower his voice but was bursting at the seams. The veins in his neck all but popped off. 'Everything I do is dictated to me. I can't take a piss without permission- i feel like I'm back in prep school.'
'Do you choose to abort your mission?'
'No. But I have never been thrown out to the goddamn wolves like this. How could you do this? I'm not 25 years old any more goddamn it.'
'Come on Friday. You knew you were in for a challenge. How can you tell me that we didn't educate you about the unpredictability of this tour?'
'You always say it's unpredictable. But you never told me I'd be with an SS general in medicine man makeup. I feel deceived.'
'You don't have to do anything you don't want to.'
'I'm going to give it one more day. If it gets much worse I'm hitching the next flight back.' He closed his phone, flushed the toilet and washed his hands. Opening the door, Juan was standing at the other side. He glared into his eyes.
'You cannot trust me, then I cannot trust you,' Juan said to him. He genuinely looked hurt.
'Were you listening to me?'
'Stop talking and follow me. We are completing phase one of the mission. This will take about 77 minutes. Upon completion you may drink 2 cups of water if necessary.'
Gary was about to snidely, sarcastically thank him - but he bit his to ngue. Truth be told, he knew the old codger knew what he was doing. He just didn't like to be told what to do so sternly, especially by someone who was around the same age, and as much as he would never admit it, not formally educated in the way he was.
'You are a poised egoist, ' said Juan. 'You make a show to the world. You want to be a big shot, a big humanitarian with books in libraries. Big star. You will never know anything until you become humble as the dust.'
'Oh is that so?'
'Yes.'
'and so now, you're trying to break me down. Right?' He got loud. 'Trying to crush the large yet fragile ego of a white man. Well, you're doing a good job.'
‘Meester Big Shot, who do you think you are?’ Juan sang to himself.
They walked over to a side office that had a desk and a couch. Near the couch was a coffee table. Juan sat down at his desk and had Gary sit down on the couch. He slumped down, and noticed a black box with small controls on it. The box had no power source, but was connected via copper wire to a chrome plated piece of metal the size of a clipboard. He touched the knobs on the panel of the box. There were four knobs. Juan said nothing. In the right hand corner of the box there was a metal control switch. He began clicking it up and down, trying to figure out what it was.
'What is this piece of junk?' He said, looking up at Juan. Juan pulled out a notepad and began scribbling in it. 'This makes no sense.' He flipped it over to check for batteries or any alternate power source he could find. 'How do you plug this in, and what is it for? I mean for god sakes, at least a solar panel, something.'
'Please continue to play with the knobs. But as you do, visualize yourself floating into the sky. Close your eyes, please.'
Now he was certain he was being duped. Never had he seen what he would label as such absurd pseudo science. and his mind was opened to possibilities. But he would not be taken for a fool. 'What the HECK are you talking to me about? are you trying to make me play the role of the idiot?'
"I am an idiot, we all are-idiots. Now do as I say.' Gary Friday closed his eyes.
He decided to use this opportunity to rest. If he wasn't going to have his expectations met, he just wouldn't play ball. He figured he would pretend to, but his mind would be elsewhere. But the game just seemed to get stranger and stranger. Juan pulled out a medal helmet from under his desk. It had copper wires attached to it. Gary kept his eyes glued shut.
'Keep your eyes just like that,' coaxed Juan. He got up and put the helmet on Gavin's skull. Then he pulled out the copper wires and ducktaped them to the chrome plate on the coffee table, that was also attached to the black box. Then he went and sat back down at his desk. 'Think of somebody you love very much,' he said matter of factly. Gary's posture softened. He almost thought of his ex wife. Even though they had been divorced five years he still had a soft spot in his heart for her. 'Now think of who you love the most.' Gary hated to play favorites with his kids. But he chose Robert to concentrate on. He thought about the last time he saw him, having lunch with him at an elegant restaurant in santa monica. 'Have you got a photograph of this person?'
Gary had become compliant. He pulled out a black and white print of his son that he had in his wallet. It was actually a band photo of jaw2jaw. He had ripped it out of a magazine. 'Please place it on the chrome tray.' Juan decided to match Gary's newfound complacency with courtesy. It seemed to be working.
The picture at this point was absurd. Officer Gary Friday was sitting in a cabin in the jungle of peru, a mad medicine man placing a helmet on his head that was connected to a black box and chrome tray with no power supply. But Gary's resistance had been overcome.
He drifted into flashbacks. The terrible times he had in his youth. They had prepared him for his rough career but that didn't mean he wanted to revisit old memories. Who was controlling him like this? Was the fake black box connected to nothing but a helmet on his head and a chrome plate actually working?
Juan began to stroke his chin and psychically give himself a pat on the back for hard work done. It hadn't been easy to subjugate this brainwashed egomaniac. But this medicine man was determined to change the world, by the psychic transformation of one asshole at a time.
"My Dad was an asshole," mumbled Seargent Friday.
"What is your people's expression?" Lamented Juan, "The papaya doesn't fall far from the tree?"
His father had been a hard boiled SOB. Sent him off to military prep school at the age of fourteen. It was fine with him at the time. He could go through the motions and draw on his own time. His dream job had been to become an architect. He planned to persue this as soon as it was time for college. But as some a certain beatle said before, 'life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.' He never dreamed of what could happen next.

Forgotten Years.

His father had been a hard boiled SOB. Sent him off to military prep school at the age of fourteen. It was fine with him at the time. He could go through the motions and draw on his own time. His dream job had been to become an architect. He planned to persue this as soon as it was time for college. But as some have said before, 'life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.' He never dreamed of what could happen next.

paint it black.

Puerto maldonado had been beautiful but Gary no longer noticed the beauty. He had not been in a 'wild card' situation for over a decade. He had been used to everything in right place, a certain order. His job was never easy, but he was able to have complete control for the most part. He had dealt with Juan before, and there had never been a problem with communication. Suddenly promises were being broken. Or had they been? Whose promises? after all, Juan had not directly given him his word about the ritual. Had there been a miscommunication between his superiors, himself, and the third party? Had he been lied to by his superiors? Or had Juan lied to him? There really was no way to know. He felt, for the first time in years, in over his head. He felt too old for this, and all of the sudden wished he hadn't taken the assignment. But at the same time, he felt lost. The last time he felt this lost was as a teenager. The memories began to flood his mind.

one percent.

The medicine man kept walking in silence. He let Gary think. The only thing that could be heard were footsteps and labored breathing. Then a few minutes later he spoke again.
'Thing is, your people have finally come as far as they can with machines. Yet it solved nothing. So now, more people then ever are coming for the resources that lie in two places.' He put his right hand over his heart, and then covered his head with his left. 'You can have all the money in the world, but if you haven't learned the ways of the heart, the ways of the mind, you are more poor then the poorest beggar in lima.'
Gary nodded his head in agreement. 'I hear what you are saying. I apologize for the ignorance of my people. But I can only apologize so much.'
Juan continued. 'I learned the ways of the world. Your people put me through their schools. Some considered me a techno shaman. Because I am adept at both worlds. The ancient and the modern. Both have not eluded me. There are things I may choose to show you that will make you stronger. But I do not trust you yet. I had a friend from the west who taught me the phrase, 'respect is earned.' He did not earn it from me. Nor have you. I will teach you somethings. But I will pull away if I feel integrity waning.'
Gary felt a knot of dissapointment churning in his stomach. 'Did we not have the agreement to complete initiation? The mimosahuasca ritual? Did you forget your promise?'
Juan stomped a foot into the ground. 'I said in good faith. This is what I told your masters. You do not want this experience without working for it first. It is up to you whether you will count the cost, and finish what you've started.'
Gary was livid internally but was not about to argue with Juan. He would save his anger for a telephone call to his superiors. He was beginning to hate this so called medicine man. What had he done to earn his derision? He had already renounced his old ways of materialism. Now he was risking his life to go out into the jungle with whom he was now beginning to consider a half wit. He was not about to apologize for being reared in a callous culture- he had worked too hard to overcome the mistakes of his own people.
'Don't be a hypocrite. If you want me to respect where you came from you should respect what I've gone through to understand you, and to make reparations-'
'No more talking.'
'Excuse me?'
With that, Juan pointed the opposite direction from where they were walking, to where the sun was beginning to set. 'GO BaCK NOW,' he firmly said.
'What?'
'Go back to your land. This was a big misdeed on my part. I thought we had a better comprensivo. I thought you were further advanced on the true path.'
Gary crossed his arms. They both stood their ground for a moment, staring into each other's weather beaten faces. The fierce eye contact these men made with each other was strong, neither one giving over to yielding. Without breaking focus, Juan touched his shoulder, and said, 'if you come, no more speaking until morning.'
Gary was even more livid but kept his composure. He had no choice at this point.

Coming down the mountain.

The medicine man didn't speak for a while. Neither did Gary Friday. He was entranced by the beauty of this region. He felt bitter about the progressive americanization of a country he had once loved escaping to. It was more convenient now. There were trains up to tourist sights that used to be attainable by hard core trekking or uneasy bus trips. He even noticed that his old favorite Cafe in Cusco, ayullo de cusco, had been replaced by starbucks. Was it selfish of him to want a place to escape to? He wondered what the medicine man thought about it.
Several minutes went by and there was a silent hush between Gary and the medicine man. Then the medicine man stopped in front of a small patch nicandra physalodes, or 'apple of peru' flowers. He sniffed one of them. Then he looked up at Gary.
'Your people have created a lot of change for us,' he said, as if reading Gary's mind. Gary nodded silently. He had nothing to add. He just wanted to listen to this man. 'When I was a young man, your people began to come here looking for wisdom. Some of them found what they were looking for, and some of them didn't.' He paused for a second, and gazed across the mountains. 'There has been damage done. But only a certain amount of damage. Our people will persevere. These mountains, too, will survive.'

Too much of nothin'

'Too much of nothin' just makes a fella mean-' Bob Dylan.
'Too much stuff makes a person confused.'- Robert James.

He loaded the rest of the boxes inside of his small apartment. Then he sat on his bed
and thought a minute. He realized he didn't need most of his stuff. all of the journals in one box had already been transferred into his online blog. He got up and opened one of the boxes, pulled out his passport, birth certificate, and hard drive for his computer. He opened up another box, pulled out a few toiletries, pens, books, underwear and socks, and one towel, and threw it into a pile near his bed.
He had previously seen a thrift store donation spot about a block from his new dwelling. He needed a little bit of exercise anyways. He had about 3 containers of stuff that could be donated, the rest could be trashed. So after a short walk and a visit to his trash chute down the hall, he returned to his room, casually smiling. The cowbell had been removed from his neck.

a room at the heartbreak hotel- downtown.

Robert made his way up to the 7th story of an old building downtown. His new room was very small. 300 square feet to be exact. Room 707 was smaller then the room he grew up in, smaller then most of the hotel rooms he experienced on tour. But he didn't mind. He had his futon and computer, and a 5 gallon jug of filtered water. He couldn't have felt happier with anything more.
He opened his laptop and wrote, "I feel as if i'm in a zen monastery. absolute freedom, the sky is the limit for me." Then he closed it and sprawled out on his futon. Gazing at the ceiling, he realized he had enough entertainment in his own mind to last a while. He wouldn't be needing a television. He drifted off into a catnap only to be startled an hour later by the doorbell.
Looking through, his keyhole, he saw the movers had arrived. He opened the door.
"Hey, how's it going? I almost forgot all about my stuff." He grinned and shook the mover's hand, who had a badge that read Rodger. The man shook his hand back but didn't make eye contact. "
"We only got about twelve boxes, it shouldn't take too long," he said.
Rodger began to load boxes into the room with a dolly.
"Need help with that?" Robert kindly asked. Rodger hesitated a second and looked up surprised. He was about to say no thanks but shrugged and affirmatively shook his head.
"Th-that would be nice," he stammered.
Robert went out into the hall and saw his boxes piled one on top of the other. His large television sat separate from the boxes. He was about to stoop down and pick it up. Then a moment of inspiration struck him.
"Rodger, do you need a t.v.?" He asked.
"W-well, we're not supposed to do that," he stammered politely.
Robert winked at him. "I ain't gonna tell noone."
Rodger shrugged again. "My wife would like that, i'll bet."
"It's yours." There was three storage containers with his vintage clothes. "Hey Rodger, you got any kids?"
"Yeah, my youngest, he's graduating from high school."
"Might he like some cool duds?"
"Duds?"
"Clothes."
Rodger looked down at his shoes. He really hit the jackpot this time. "W-well, he might really like that, I reckon."
"I'll help you carry that stuff back to your truck. This-" he pointed at the rest of the boxes. 'I'll get that. Don't worry about it."
"Th-thanks, man." Robert scooped up the 3 boxes of clothes and the t.v. and walked Rodger down to his truck. Rodger did his best to look him in the eye for a couple of seconds. "I really appreciate that. I'm not used to people being so nice to me."
Robert whipped out a twenty dollar bill and gave it to him for a tip. Rodger hesitated.
"I won't tell nobody," said Robert with a wink. Rodger accepted the tip and was on his way.

One more cup of coffee before i go.

He knew that drinking the coffee wasn't the wisest idea.It probably would have been more advantageous for him to skip the caffeine and sleep on the short flight. But the caffeine had become part of his ritual. Not an addiction as much as a comfort. He leaned back into his chair and thought about his children. They weren't children any more. His youngest was in his 20s, already a force in the rock and roll world to be reckoned with. It was surreal the heights to which he had achieved so at so young an age. He was proud of his son but they maintained an ambivalent relationship. There was respect, but too much pride on both sides to really bond. and where was the time? 'Maybe after I retire,' he thought,' I'll see them more.'

What exactly did they want him to find out about this old man?

That's what confused him. Try as he may he had a hard time coming to terms with the ambiguity of the duty set before him. He would be recording every nuance, all conversation, and going over it with a fine tooth comb. He made a vow to himself that after retirement, he would go back on to this land without any electrical devices on his person. But for now, he had a job to do. Finishing the thick tar like coffee that he had bought on the side of the road 30 minutes earlier, he tossed the cup into the small trashcan and boarded the plane.

Because

he possessed virtues that nobody else on the team had. Well, at least not in the amounts that he did. Namely, integrity.
Gary believed that without integrity life couldn't work. He had experimented on himself in his own life. Breaking his own moral codes periodically just to see what would happen, as if he could measure hypothesis after hypothesis through witnessing what worked and what didn't.

Juan Sanango was a medicine man.

That was who Gary was expecting to meet up with. The man was an enigma. He had succeeded in eluding himself from any authorities of the western world who emitted any sort of vibe that had to do with greed. That is why Gary was the chosen one.

Gary Friday had done this trip dozens of time before.

He had his international certificate of vaccination ready next to his passport just in case. Usually he carried his Samsonite Delegate trusty briefcase but opted instead for a handicrafted wool shoulder bag that he had bought at one of the souvenir shops near macchu pichu on his last visit. His job entailed that he either had to dress up or dress down, depending on the locale of his work. In this situation he wore blue jeans and black new balance running shoes, and a plain off white all cotton button down shirt that he got in kathmandu. He noticed that dressing down took about the same amount of time as dressing up. Either way he felt like an actor preparing for a role. But this time would be different because of the costar.

Gary Friday finished his coffee and boarded the plane to Cusco. From Lima it would be a rapid flight, a little over an hour. From there it was onto puerto maldonado.

redub

Re`dub´ (rė`dŭb´)
v. t. 1. To refit; to repair, or make reparation for; hence, to repay or requite.
It shall be good that you redub that negligence.
- Wyatt.
God shall give power to redub it with some like requital to the French.
- Grafton.
2. To dub again.

Sitting here in limbo.

If you've been living your whole life in limbo, how do you know when you're really starting over? I think something good about going off to college is that it's a transition from youth to adulthood. I never did that 'go away to college' thing. My way of breaking free was through travelling but wherever you go, there you are and then you have to start all over again when you get back.
Five years ago when I was in austria at a meditation center called 'unity of man,' i was advised to stop being a vagabond and travel within instead. So I went back to the states, worked for a while at an insurance company, saved some money and moved to Los angeles to launch my music career. There comes a while where you're done with experimenting, hypothesizing, etc. and you just DO. But sometimes I feel, that after almost 5 years in one place, a certain complacency has been set upon me. That is what i am on a journey to break free from.

I've decided

to make health a bigger priority. That means eating better food, and probably eating less.

New Goals.

I want to deliver product that is lifechanging. Which makes me feel like I can start from scratch, right now. Because the truth is, a lot of my past music, writing, etc. has been cathartic for me. But how does art come across in a way as to heal other people?

Book Titles

Ego, art, and the spirit: a reconciliation.

Back to School

I am excited about the prospect of re-entering school. I have about 50 units completed so why not finish what I started? I had to take off a good decade and a half for some vagabonding but i'm not looking to be geriatric by the time I get my degree (not that anything is wrong with that, mind you.)
Part of the reason I haven't finished my GE classes is the frustration with how much math I felt I'd have to take. Ironically, I've always been rainman like at time tables, etc. but I have no patience for the abstract stuff. Right now I'm in the process of trying to add a statistics class at UCLa.
I really like the Teacher, Kevin Nichols. He has a very straight forward and honest way of teaching that I like. I figure once I get that stuff out of the way everything else will be fun. Just feels like it's going to take forever. I'm not giving up music by any means, in fact I hope to study it further.

The beard is coming off soon.

It seems that whenever I try to grow a beard I succeed for a month or two and then grow weary of looking more and more like Howard Hughes. I'm eccentric enough without it, I'm not looking to win any more eclectic creative guy of the week awards. Maybe when I'm an old man I'll grow the courage to keep my facial hair, but I predict for now it'll be gone within the week.

I need to Excercise

I let myself go this summer. I used to always run, ride bikes, i don't know. Maybe it's because last year at this time i started pulling muscles, i've been too easy on myself. Time to start kicking butt again. But every time I tell myself that i don't. So hopefully i'll just naturally fall out of lazy mode, which i blame on getting laid off, being online too much and never having any money. No excuse.

People

people with no soul
get things done faster
that way they can chill for longer
alone in their ivory tower

Hello Echo has a new album.

Hello Echo, who the Dirty Suits have been playing shows with the last couple years, have a new self titled album. Produced by Jaime Sol Black's brother Jeremy, it's really awesome. They started out with an impromptu gig in Baja Mexico about 5 years ago and now have a very solid body of work. The entire album flows seamlessly through all of the emotions of the human psyche and leave you ready to replay it again at the end. I'm extremely proud, though not surprised that these guys have created such a masterpiece. Hurry up and get it, you heard it here first.

buy this

I only want the best (for you)

She flew
away, like ill gotten gain.
She stayed around
till there was pain.
People like to take it easy
no one wants to hang it tough
But when the going gets going
Enough is enough.

chorus
i've been down so long
that it don't even matter any more 2X

Took me a long time to learn this lesson well
You don't have to keep everything that comes
Don't have to live in hell
sometimes it's easier to stay put
then to move along
Sometimes it's safer
to be wrong.

Chorus

You can take the high road
or settle
for what's left
& Thank them
for all of
the crumbs they threw
I only want the best
for you

Chorus
What are you waiting for? When there's nothing left lose.
Don't you know it's up to you, all these decisions that you choose.

astro motel

a song by Jeremy Ferrick

she moved into the astro
it was a second class motel
where the owner was well adapted
at how to put her through hell
walls paper thin
the neighbors often yelled
you'd have been better off
half a mile down the street
at a place called the wishing well
down the avenue santa rosa
she got a job cuttin' hair
times were tight
most of the time she
was sittin' in the ez chair
after bout a week she wanted
to get get out of there
when antonia told her the news
she acted like she didn't even care.
funny how,
She said, i used to be the one to scoff
at the lady who i look like today
better watch out who you're laughing at honey
just might be you
some day.
Used to think that i was invincible
Some misplaced joan of ark-
here i am now with a baby by my side
and i'm living in juilliard park.
me and burpo were laughing
we didn't get to where we were going to
he stopped laughing, looked me in the eye.
What are you lookin' at? man?
he said, you.
ya think you're pretty
clever, you think you're pretty smart
better watch out if
you wanna be a work of art

walkin' and i'm walkin' and i'm waitin'
watchin' and i'm watchin' hesitatin 2x

She's doin' a little better now
got a house down on grand avenue
She doesn't have
the same kind of problems
she used to have
a year ago or two.

She works down at the center
She's helpin' the strong
she's helpin' the weak
i got one goal, she said,
gonna try to be good to
everyone i meet.

walkin' and i'm walkin' and i'm waitin'
watchin' and i'm watchin' hesitatin 2x

Word for word Bus conversation:

I scribbled this conversation down in my journal like 5 or 6 years ago when I was in the bus in San Francisco, hope you enjoy it. Sorry about the funky lack of format:

Guy on the phone on the bus
Guy- “they have it at staples.
Brown envelopes, no manilla- well ask somebody then.
No, no, go for it yourself- you can find it.
They’re not trained, mostly they’re youngsters
Just there for the summer
They’re not pushing sales, so I bet you’ll find it faster
on your own
Where?
Comp usa?
I thought you said staples
How could you get them mixed up
They’re cheaper at staples
Yeah it makes a difference
I’m buying 300 of them.
Unless you want to pay for it
Make sure they’re big enough”
(He looks at his watch.)
“They’re gonna close soon.”
Girl sits next to him.
Guy continues- “you need to pay better attention
to detail
and better attention to me.”
Girl starts digging around in her bag for something.
“Well don’t worry about what he says-
you don’t work for him-
you work for me.
Remember what I told you before?
Do you remember?”
Girl says,
“fuck.” While rummaging frantically.
“Who pays your rent?”
Girl says,
“can’t find my phone.”
He says, “Get those envelopes before they close”
Girl says,
To the guy, “excuse me-“
Then the guys says into the phone, “in fifteen minutes” then to the girl- he says
“Yeah?”
Girl says,
“So sorry to bother you-
But my friend is in a frantic situation
I told her that I’d call her but now
I cannot find my phone, so can I borrow yours?”
“I’m on an important call,” he says.
Girl offers cigarettes, says,
“I’ll give you the whole pack-
i smoked one already.”
He says,
“I don’t smoke.” And to the phone- “alexis, im getting off for a minute call me back when you think you have found the right ones………now go find them.”
he hangs up, gives the phone to the girl who while dialing says,
“thank you so fucking much.”
(dude says nothing)
Girl says,
“Cassandra, I’m so sorry it took so long to call
i must have left my phone at work.
I had to borrow someone else’s on the bus,
Are you still crying?
I’m so sorry dear.
Did you tell him?
You’re not going to put up with it any longer.
Do you hear me?
He thinks his little trophy mistress
Looks so good on his arm at the bus
But he can’t have his cake and eat it too.
You give him an
Ultimatum
Cassandra,
Listen to me now if you don’t do it now you never will.
Well honey you’re not a little girl any more.
That worked fine in grade school but we’re not
Playing house any more- this is the real thing.”
Phone starts ringing. Girl says,
“If you don’t tell him, I will……..”
Guy says, “I need the phone back.”
Girl gives him the ‘one minute’ sign.
Then says,
“that bastard. He was there with her Sunday.
I saw him.
Don’t let him lie to you.
Guy takes the phone and says into it,
“She’ll call you back-“ then to the girl-
“it’s Friday night and I NEED my manilla envelopes.”
(into the phone-)
alexis, did you find them? We’ll get the guy to help you.
Never mind what I said before. They’re going to close in ten minutes. Not 200, 300, I told you 5 times. What are you on? And you got the little stickers too, right? The fucking little stickers I told you about? Just get them at the 99 cent store tomorrow- but I’m not helping you find those- you’ll have to do it on your own- I’m going to the cabin and I don’t get good reception out there. Good, you found the envelopes. So what if the line is long? I know but they have to keep the store opened until-“
The phone rings, and the girl says,
“That’s Cassandra.” Guy says,
“alexis, call me in a few, I need to lend out the phone again.”
“Why can’t you tell him?” She screams into the phone, “you want me to? But that’s so immature. Oh, now you’re being silly. Oh, that’s ridiculous. Cassandra, it’s time to grab your balls and jump out of the airplane. We’re not screwing around anymore. No man is going to treat my friend like this and get away with it. You’d BETTER not stay home tomorrow. We’ve been planning this for weeks. Well if you’re going to cry, you’re going to cry with us while you’re singing karaoke. You know, you let yourself be manipulated too easily. That’s not very nice to say. That’s why your friends with me? You’re going to insult me now when I’m trying to help you?” She flashes the “dude can you believe that?” sign ardently. PHONE rings again. Guy says-
“gimme gimme.” Girl says-
“I’ll call you back.”
“They won’t let you pay, what do you mean they won’t let you? Let me talk to the guy. Let me talk to him……….Guy, I do a lot of business in your store. I don’t care if you’re closing. I’ve been waiting for those envelopes and if you don’t sell them to my assistant we’ll never shop there again. You don’t care? Well then let me speak to someone who DOES care. So now you think you’re funny? What’s your name? Stuart? If you don’t ring up my girl there you’re in big trouble, you hear me? I’m getting the big pack of envelopes next Wednesday. I’ll be buying more. But not at your store if you don’t do this. You’re telling me the computer closes down at this time? Don’t tell me you can’t do anything about it.” (The bus stops, the girl gets up.) girl says-
“Thanks for the phone, hope you get your envelopes.”

Spines shiver: manifesto

Spines shiver
roll out the quills
what a nice way
to pay the bills

La Cienega Farmer's Market ROCKS.

Just wanted to let all you foodies who are looking for some organic produce along with other tasty treats: The Thursday farmer’s market in the shopping center on La cienega and 18th St. Rocks. Your money is going to disapear very fast- but it will go to a great cause- farmers who buck the trend, refusing to go the way of spraying their wares with chemicals. Though it’s not all organic, most of it is. And the free samples are off the chain.
Within about ten minutes I had indulged in strawberries, blood oranges, and a soft Pita like treat called Bolani. Considered an ‘east and west’ gourmet afghan food, it comes in flavors ranging from Spinach, Pumpkin, and Potato. It’s also Vegan, low fat, low calorie, and low carb for all you supermodels out there looking for the next best edible that’s going to keep you looking great. They had dips for sample and sale including pesto, eggplant, and tons of others. I couldn’t walk away without buying the Spinach Bolani, which you’re supposed to heat up, but naturally I couldn’t wait to get home and ate it straight out of the bag. Check them out here: http://www.bolaniandsauce.com/home.php
The Cherimoya I bought from a lady is one of the best fruits I’ve ever tasted. I’m saving the seeds because I'd like to plant some myself someday. It kind of reminds me of sweet tarts but in a fleshy custard like fruit that’s delicious and very good for your health, not like the aforementioned candy that it reminds me of.
I’m currently eating organic cherries that I bought, 5 bucks for a pound and way better then anything you can find in the supermarkets. It tastes like desert from the gods.
Other nice finds include Kale, broccoli, lettuce, and swiss chard. I’m saving the avocado I got from the Cherimoya lady for a special occasion. Maybe mix it up with some chunky tomatoes for some lovely guacamole which I can use as a dip for the Bolani?
So come support your local merchant- give them your money so they can continue plying us with good homegrown food. And bring all of your friends as well.

Last Friday, Johnny ‘Flyn' Lion’ Abbie Mitchell invited us down to showcase a couple of songs. We had our brand new drummer Elisa Suarez on board, as well as Christopher Alice on lead guitar. First I did my brand new song ‘down so long’ by my lonesome. Jaime graciously handed my his guitar and said to the crowd, ‘let Jeremy Ferrick warm your hearts and make love to your brains with his new song.’ Or something very Jaime-esque like that.
Then we launched into ‘Ring of fire’ and a few of our originals. Johnny joined us onstage during ‘Bullfighters. He shared vocals with both me and Jaime. Afterwards he declared, ‘I’ve been wanting to do that for a year.” It was a good vibe at Danny’s. Edizen from Venice Papparrazzi was snapping shots. The pics are now online.
Till next time, Danny’s.

Danny's presents........the Dirty Suits.....

Walk on wires from my album 'dead sea songs'

verse cEmfg chorus cgfEm bridge cgcf

took you so long to learn kindness
now you're learning how to be cool
it creates a certain blindness
to be so smart yet act like a fool

you had so many chances
but you struck out every time
you could have hit it hard
but someone told you that it would be a crime

chorus

so you walk on wires
stay awake all night, never retire
walk on wires
stay awake all night, fire with fire

used to buy into the lies of
luxury
opened my eyes wide enough to see
for any intention there's no such thing as in between.
so whatever you get for free, it isn't worth anything at all
tell the ones to leave you be
who will not let you heed the call.

chorus
bridge

so if you're on the job, or somewhere else you'd rather not be
find the nearest exit and set yourself free

So wednesday night

i went down to Lost Souls cafe downtown. After watching Terence Leclere open up for the great stand up comedians over there, and then checking out Terence's loft at the old Million Dollar Hotel, I decided to jog home the 8 miles to pico/ la cienega. He said i should blog about my jogging adventures!

Dirty Suits tour diary.

Our last few days have been interesting: we played the Unknown Theater Friday night then headed straight for Santa Cruz- when we got there at 9 am we went to KZSC and got interviewed by DJ Moonshine which was a lot of fun. We played a few songs, hung out a bit in SC then headed to SF to play Cafe Trieste on Market Street. Sunday night we opened up for Jeremy Black's cover band Philharmonica at Mojito's, where the bartender served us up some great, um, Mojitos! Yesterday (monday) we headed down to Coyote hearing studio to polish up two tracks, Bullfighter and Humble. Which we began recording last year. Today we're headed back to Santa Cruz to play the Boardwalk bowl, then back to los angeles.

the start over scrolls

1. always remember, You can always restart the game any time.
2.Next time you fail, count to ten and tell yourself you’re starting over.
3.Work with everything in life exactly as it is.
4.First thing to realize about your life is to understand that if you want to change and develop a better future you must accept your present.
5.Your pain and regret that you feel has been holding you back can actually become that what propels you forward.
6.Whatever is getting in the way of you living completely in bliss is in the past.
7.Getting the past out of the way and being related with life as it currently is what matters.
8. Instead of pretending you have all the answers, you should get into a space of speculation- not resolution.
9. Resolve to not need to know the final answer in this space of time. That takes the psychic pressure off of you and causes a more peaceful solution to spring forth from within you.
10. You must realize that there is no kwik fix- just try to do better slowly but surely, as if chipping away at an invisible stone.
Forming new Brain Patterns- The Brain matrix-
11. Stand in nothingness as if you are starting all over again. If you can create anything at all for your life, what would it be?
12.Is it now time to bridge the gap between fantasy and reality?
13. Is falling in love with the harmful aspects of your personality, your comfort zone, keeping you from being who you could fully be?
14.The essence of attraction is related to being committed to ideals, yet unattached to the outcome.
15.“I am” is referring to something you think you are. This is not necessarily accurate.
16.There is no past, if you really think about it. There is no “self” either.
17.You have to have a superior cause that is worth giving your past to.
18.Don’t sell out to being practical. Be unreasonable.
19. Does the present existence, the drama you are playing out enliven you? If not, take this current moment to change your position. Restart the chess game, reprogramming your brain. You can do this right now.
20. Power comes through the simplest way.
21.Simplicity is your essence. It’s who you’ve always been the core.
22.If it wasn’t for all the trauma you have endured throughout your life, you would be living simply. But because of pain and the need to avoid suffering your life has become complicated.
23. Realizing it’s not all your fault is empowering. SO is realizing that you can change from this point on.
24.Through trying to heal ourselves we’ve often made our wounds worse. The best way to confront this reality is to humbly realize that many times you could have chosen a better route, but that you have tried your best.
25.You are only human, so stop beating up yourself.
26.How can you live the rest of your life in endless exuberance?
27.If there was a way to live in a higher vibration, would you be willing to make the necessary changes even if it’s inconvenient?
28. Whatever is getting in the way of getting what you want, be willing to give that up, in such a way as if you were slowly peeling an onion.
29.Getting into your new rhythm slowly is key to lasting change.
30.Keep your eyes and ears opened for serendipitous opportunities, being fully present to the coincidences and synergy of life.
31.Create power using full yet simple language in your every day reality.
32.Simplicity is the gateway to the road of elegance.
33. Reorganize your present view of reality, Preparing for miracles.
34.Instead of telling people about your ideas, think of yourself as sharing them.
35.Make everybody who you love and respect part of your dream. If somebody does not fit into your cinema of well being, edit them out as much as possible.
36.There are no loopholes into the new you. Don’t look for shortcuts- the long difficult route is more scenic and interesting anyways.
37.Become a reality junky. Reality is more endlessly fascinating then any altered state could ever be.
38. Don’t be afraid of feeling tired. Fatigue is the reward for effort.
39. What do you have in your life that is worth being fully present to? Find something every morning that is worth throwing the covers off of your bed and jumping into the shower.
40.Before you go to bed each night, make a note of what you will be excited to face tomorrow.
41.You are not the fixed identity you think you are: Your ego, your concerns, your past nightmares.
42.Failure is not fatality.
43.If I fail one battle or even multiple battles , it doesn’t mean I’m a failure of the war in the fight for my integrity and dreams.
44. There is too much fear of failure in the world. You are living out the real punishment of fictional story, only because it has been told to you over and over again.
45.Positive thinking doesn’t solve negative thinking. You must go beyond them both by by being moved and inspired.
46. give up hopelessness and hope, both at the same time.
47.Occurring impossible does not = impossible.
48.Don’t think you’ll ever get to the top of the mountain where everything is perfected.
49. There is no ‘it’s difficult’ in reality- these negative aspects only actually occur in the words ‘it’s difficult’.
50.You were born perfect, until you said ‘something’s wrong here.’
51. You must do the work that is laid in front of you, dealing with what is not whole and complete- that which persistently keeps you from being the maximum you.
52.You know that you have dealt with something effectively if It no longer disturbs you.
53 It is time to knock over every fear like your bowling down balls. Until nothing negatively affects you any more.
54.What if it feels impossible to capably deal with this stuff? There is a solution for every problem, simply because of the fact that it happened in distance time and space. You didn’t start out with these problems, and you can lose them.
55.There is a difference between uneducated and stupid. Become a master of distinction.
56. Share where you have not been honest in your life with people whom you trust, having them hold you accountable.
57. Create a new possibility, then be it.
58. Once you have mastered creating a new possibility, Create many new possibilities, learning to give yourself and the universe instructions.
59.Learn to love the bullshit and the unworkability of everyday life.
60.Learn to embrace the chaos. You can be with people-
even those you have been afraid of.
61.the story of fear is what stops you- not the fear itself.
62.We are all going to fail the ultimate game in life, by dying- Which means there is absolute freedom to fail in any other game. Knowing this, what can you now accomplish that you were previously not letting yourself accomplish?
63.Our comfort zone is what inhibits freedom, along with our ego need to be seen as correct. When you let go of these uncertainties, doesn’t it feel empowering to know that it doesn’t necessarily matter whether or not you are seen as being “correct?”
64. many of our strengths come from supposed lack of freedom.
65. In your youth, something disappointing occurred as failure in our own mind. This created your ego defenses, which kept you from being fully present with other human beings. With the possibility of the past dissolving, can you now imagine yourself getting along better with your fellow human beings?
66.High concern for failure logically makes no sense.
67. You don’t need the white picket fence, or all the other things that everybody tries to convince you that you need. They don’t need them either.
68.Experience, in your mind’s eye, being someone who has everything.
69 I don’t have to try to be the best if I get rid of everything but the best.
70. Brainwash yourself into only accepting the best from now on.
71.Using the knowledge of physics which we are all subject to, to improve your life. For something to exist, there is a condition that needs to be present. For instance, there can be no life on earth without water. We don’t relate to ourselves as clear. We think of ourselves as separate, with a fixed way of existence. In nature you can’t have a vacuum- you must fill your void with the best stuff on earth. Not the shit that you’ve been piling up because of your past traumatic experiences. These only give you the same results over and over.
72.One phenomenon about your past condition is that you continue to perpetrate this reality by the words and language that you currently use.
Who you are is nothingness, so reinvent yourself.
73. If you weren’t your delusions, what could you possibly accomplish?
What has allowed that condition to be available?
74. Get out of your own way.
75. what if the way you have been living, The old self, the self from the past, is actually unreal?
76.mental illnesses arise from the words and language you assign to your problems. Stop acknowledging them and from lack of care they will dissolve. Try to do this little by little, not all at once.
77. Nobody can do your work for you, and don’t expect your transformation to be easy. But do expect it to happen.
78. The invention of yourself is a game. But it’s a game you can reprogram.
79. Be in touch with the source of your own power to such a degree that you become in control of a total transformation.
80.Get rid of brick walls that you have created in your mind. Once an environment get’s recreated, what is possible is very simple if you slowly and simply Reinvent yourself. It has been done before, keep in mind that if others have done it you can do it too.
81.although you have the ability to reinvent yourself, don’t get stuck with that invention. Only use it for as long as it serves your cause.
82.To get stuck on your new invention that works for now forever=insanity.
83.From where am I inventing myself? Out of nothingness- whatever I invent is a possibility.
84. Start thinking of your new possibility as something that has already started to occur.
85.We thought the future was predictable because our past has been in our future. But because we are now done with the past, we are enlivened by possibilities that we are now beginning to create.
86.What direction has your life been moving in? wouldn’t you rather cause the orbit of your experience to move in a more positive direction?
87. There has been too much past in your future. Get it out now.
88.The not you yet= ‘I gotta figure this out- what is my realm of future possibilitys?’ stop and think about how great life could be if you’d stop selling yourself short.
89. What are you reinventing yourself as? What realm of possibility could you be giving yourself that you haven’t or aren’t?
90. who you are becoming is a possibility for Everyone.
91.People get joy from you being your highest self. Don’t deprive them of this.
92. Have your friends hold you accountable. Share and contribute your ideas and thank your peers for their criticisms.
93.In your life, you got circumstances. These come from beyond choice. They aren’t your fault, but you can choose how you now respond.
94.Reinvent your new choices every day. Write down what you are slowly willing to say goodbye to.
95.Changing the wheel over, molding the clay. Transforming your transformation each and every day
96. Possibility doesn’t actually physically exist in reality. You cannot point to possibility- but it can be created.
97.If, for instance at this point, I have not had an active social life but desire one What am I giving up? The need to be Solitary.
98. How do I make what I’m creating real? It’s that I can reinvent myself that matters.
Example: I invent someone with perfect hygiene and health.
99.Deliver that which makes a difference. Give up the way people “occur” for you. What are you concerned with?
100. Empower and enable people to be transformed by your transformation.
101.Transformation machine- this is what you are from this point on.
102. Create a new view of yourself today.
Embracing your faith and coming clean. You inspire us all: giving us permission to do the same.
103.closed minds are unwise and not fun. That’s why you’ve decided to open yours. Let it remain like that.
104.Create a future as if you’re creating a new game. Be like the fictional characters you always admired: tom sawyer, the artful dodger, etc .
105.Integrity is good karma because when you are full of it, you must take action.
106.When you are not true to yourself, you become lazy and full of slow energies. This is reason in itself to not cheat yourself and others of your true nature.
107. It is extremely important that your actions are true to who you are. Integrity is the key to success.
108.Your identity should not be tied to your skills, but to your honesty, integrity, keeping your word, and constantly keeping up with your new transformation.
109.As you begin to take action in your life, there will always be obstacles in your way. Think of these obstacles as a sign that your are going on the right track.
110.You must figure out your unique command. It is a defense mechanism that we all have. Here are some:
Don’t screw with me.
I am easily offended.
I don’t need your help.
I don’t need anybody.
111. Speculate what kind of projects you could take on if you would be willing to give up your unique command. For instance, you may have the command ‘I don’t need your help’ and somebody tries to help you launch a business but you sabotage it because of a subconscious need to prove your command right. Are you trying so hard to appear correct that you do this kind of stuff?
112. What are the dreams you’ve given up on over the years that you could go back to after discarding your unique command?
113.The capacity to share and contribute is what gives us the most Power.
114. Being newly transformed, help people See things in themselves others cannot see.
115.There are no problems in reality. For instance, your career is not taking off. Or your not making enough money. In reality, these actually aren’t problems. They only occur in your mind, and so, in reality, they aren’t actually even there.
116.You must learn to have tunnel vision for your desire.
117: Rethink your problems from this formula: I want x but y.
118. Rethink and recreate a new realm of possibility. The only way to do this is to Be present and get complete with your past.
119.Start to get interested in that which lights you up. What is it? Take action on your commitments.
120. Explode with Expression, drip with drive, oozing power.
121.Path to adventure: that which leaves you enlivened, fulfilled, turned on.
122.keep inspired to the nature of commitments by– honoring your word, be brave, keeping true to your principles, being inspiring, and standing up for what is right.
123.Think of your self as a character. Your character’s limitations exist in the mind, so they don’t actually exist.
124. Create the space of a new realm of possibility for commitment.
125. hidden and undeclared commitments are not bad, however you should notice them, Having the courage to be authentic about your having been inauthentic.
126. Unencumbered is not necessarily free.
127.When I am people pleasing, I’m not doing what I want.
128.Living from a weak center instead of a strong core- not feeling free causes the feeling of being owed constantly. You always feel like your indebted.
129.Alive and filled with freedom- who can you be right now? Speculate on the possibilities
130. a person who is a master in the art of living makes little distinction between work and play.
131. Deal with what is actually happening, not what you imagine is happening .
132. Mastery- dealing with exactly what the I you think is.
133. Get out of your own way! Sometimes the less ‘you’ or ego,the better.
134. Your love for your own wellbeing is preventing you from seeing what’s right in front of your eyes.
135.you’re trying not to suffer- you want to look good so you put on a constant disguise.
“he who tries to save his life will lose it” Christ

136. Out of desperation you deadened your communication, and it got worse every day, until now.
137. Remember: you cannot be great and small at the same time.
138.Source of action= source of results. Results come from action.
139. when you’re lit up you’re lit up, even if there is failure present.
140. What is the source of action? Understanding + knowledge.
141. What is the result of action? Performance comes from action. Actions are a correlate.
142.We don’t live like life is presently occurring.
143.Human beings mess up commitments, turning being committed into being perfect. Nature of expectations- unfulfilled.
144. What can you do right now to improve your situation?
Think
Plan
Imagine
Act
145.Anything you want for yourself is available. Invent it as a possibility.
146. If you don’t visualize your possibilities, you won’t take action.
147.Integrity is like hygiene. It needs to be constantly attended.
148. In the same way that you brush your teeth every day, it is important to keep your integrity and your dreams constantly intact.
149. Sincerity is not integrity. It’s a refuge for weakness. It is an attempt to be seen as authentic, but you’re hiding it.
150.Integrity is a state or condition of being whole and complete, prefect, sound, unimpaired. Lacking no part.
151.your word is directly linked to your integrity. That is why if you continually break your word, your self esteem suffers. 152.Without integrity, nothing works. Workability decreases when you don’t keep your word. Integrity is as scientific for the soul as gravity. You can’t do integrity.
153.When what you feel matches reality, that is a coincidence. You’ve been more concerned with what isn’t happening then what is.
154. In the course of normal life, don’t expect people to point out your faults.
155. Learn to be with the world exactly as it is.
156.Trying to avoid failure= failure.
157.Start fighting and striving to live your life for real, on your terms. Not what you think you’re supposed to do.
158.Develop a sense of urgency. Why are you not being urgent in solving problems? Do you feel you have all of the time in the world? Begin it now to cancel out future regret.
159. If you were completely unrestrained what would you get committed to right now?
160.What are the dreams you once dreamed that you’ve forgotten about? Write them down.
161. Stand in ‘no ego.’ Life is effortless there, yet, ironically, full of power.
162. Start being bigger. Commit to mastering living from that place.
163. Imagine you have access to all you’ve ever wanted.
164.Get rid of the ‘you’ that you’ve been identified with. Then get even more bigger in spirit.
165. Have a new relationship with the ‘I’ that you actually are. 166. Are you addicted to the false you? You need to hold yourself accountable to living how you want to live.
167. live a life you love. Expect nothing less.
168.Embrace the massive unworkability in your life, with the knowledge that you have what it takes to break through what seems unbreakable.
169.Are you killing vibrancy and aliveness to be right about your view?
170.You change all the time. So you might As well strive to change for the better.
171. Toasters don’t choose to burn the toast. All of your responses have been automatic, and nobody is going to care enough about your problems to hold you accountable. You are the only one who can change your problems. You must alchemize your difficulties into gold.
172.Begin to think about what your life could really be about if you were finally playing by your rules. Now proceed to play by your rules.
173.you can’t win the game by what you’ve been doing, if it hasn’t worked for you so far. You must change your strategy. 174.Self expression reuires other people. The better terms you are with yourself, the better terms you’ll be with others.
175. If you’re using force, that is negating your own power- True power does not come from force.
176.Be in the middle of risk.
177.have you really had a taste of leadership in your life?
178.The biggest threat to your identity, ironically, is the winning of the game. Because you have been so used to losing it. Your identity that you’ve been protecting is designed to see your failure.
179.Sources of action.
What is the source of action? Not decisions. Not commitment. Not necessity. Not thinking.
Understanding and knowledge lead to actions. Performance comes as a result of action.
180.you haven’t been living your life as if it is occurring right now, in the present time. Begin to now.
181.Your love for your wellbeing is preventing you from seeing what is right in front of your eyes.
182. You’re trying not to suffer, you want to look good. So you put on a constant disguise out of desperation. Are you desperately hiding your desperation?
183.You now have the ability to dissolve your problems, simply by receiving permission from a source outside of yourself, which validates what you already know. You are now granted permission to break with the past and begin anew. You can do this as often as you need to, feeling no pressure whatsoever about making mistakes. This lack of resistance will cause you to make mistakes less and less.
One eighty degrees of seperation from your past.